Wants, Needs, and Bullshit.

So, September will be over soon. Thank God. These past few weeks have been very... trying. And tiring. And sucky. And just fucking stupid. They have taken a toll on my body, and possibly even my soul. It's like a bad horror film.

Speaking of bad horror films, I had a very graphic, very disturbing, very intense, nightmare last night... I woke up quivering. It took a few minutes to gather myself and quit shaking... I don't feel like I really got any sleep at all... I must have been running in my sleep while laying down or something. And I know I had to have been tossing and turning and obviously shaking. It was not a good way to start off my day... Especially since this week has been Hell.

Then I get to work. And it's going okay. I'm tired, but I'm counting and Kara is my T.O. and it's just pleasant. And I'm kicking ass. Regardless of the fact I feel like I got ran over my a MACK truck. But then, since we're sooo busy upfront and one person sucks, I have to switch spots because they need someone good who can keep things going and can handle things pretty much by themselves. Yaaay. -.- More like FML. So then I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like crap, and it all rolls into one storm of shit. And all the customers apparently took stupid pills today just to top it all off! I was really about to just have a breakdown. I came home, and all I wanted to do was just cry. I wanted to just be cuddled until I felt better but since I knew that wasn't happening, it was all I could do to keep from just bursting out in tears any minute. I felt crazy.

I'm just ready for work to get better. And to feel better. And since we've hired a few more people I really hope this will happen soon. It should.

I also shouldn't take for granted all the people who really do care for me and are there for me even if I'm being bitchy and maybe even annoying. Or funny as some people find it. =P It's good to have people who genuinely care about me and not just themselves. At the end of the day I can always count on my mom to actually be there for me. She's the one who cuddled me while watching Transformers 3. She can always tell the difference between me just being dramatic and things actually just genuinely sucking ass. I'm very thankful for my family and friends and select co-workers who do care so much. Maybe even an annoying amount.... You all are what keep me stable.

So ready for things to get better and the whining to stop. Bring on October.

I think I may be dying. Literally.

Well, not literally. But I really do think that something is wrong with me physically. And it's scary. I mean, there are a couple of minor reasons I could be feeling the way I do. And I really hope one of them is the cause.

My hands have been going numb, or have had this really bad pain in each of my palms. My legs have been killing me. Seriously. I was almost to the point of limping yesterday. I've had dizzy spells. Today, it felt like someone had given me a shot in the arm. Like when I got the measles and chickenpox shot and my arm hurt all day. That's how it felt randomly. And there's really no reason for any of this. I'm 22 fucking years old. Feeling this old and this in pain is scary... It makes me sad. Broke down a little today.

I'm really hoping upon hope that it's just due to over-exhaustion, or my dependency on caffeine. Maybe I haven't been getting a good sleep cause maybe I have restless leg syndrome and it's more active now that I've been dosing myself with so much caffeine. I don't know. I just really hope that it's something like that and not something serious. Like carpal tunnel or cancer or something.

Also, I'm really tired of being so emotional. I'm just going to act like I'm alone/by myself so that when MIA, it won't bother me as much cause it won't feel like it's supposed to be that way.

Fuck this week.

"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise."-- Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)