Wants, Needs, and Bullshit.

So, September will be over soon. Thank God. These past few weeks have been very... trying. And tiring. And sucky. And just fucking stupid. They have taken a toll on my body, and possibly even my soul. It's like a bad horror film.

Speaking of bad horror films, I had a very graphic, very disturbing, very intense, nightmare last night... I woke up quivering. It took a few minutes to gather myself and quit shaking... I don't feel like I really got any sleep at all... I must have been running in my sleep while laying down or something. And I know I had to have been tossing and turning and obviously shaking. It was not a good way to start off my day... Especially since this week has been Hell.

Then I get to work. And it's going okay. I'm tired, but I'm counting and Kara is my T.O. and it's just pleasant. And I'm kicking ass. Regardless of the fact I feel like I got ran over my a MACK truck. But then, since we're sooo busy upfront and one person sucks, I have to switch spots because they need someone good who can keep things going and can handle things pretty much by themselves. Yaaay. -.- More like FML. So then I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like crap, and it all rolls into one storm of shit. And all the customers apparently took stupid pills today just to top it all off! I was really about to just have a breakdown. I came home, and all I wanted to do was just cry. I wanted to just be cuddled until I felt better but since I knew that wasn't happening, it was all I could do to keep from just bursting out in tears any minute. I felt crazy.

I'm just ready for work to get better. And to feel better. And since we've hired a few more people I really hope this will happen soon. It should.

I also shouldn't take for granted all the people who really do care for me and are there for me even if I'm being bitchy and maybe even annoying. Or funny as some people find it. =P It's good to have people who genuinely care about me and not just themselves. At the end of the day I can always count on my mom to actually be there for me. She's the one who cuddled me while watching Transformers 3. She can always tell the difference between me just being dramatic and things actually just genuinely sucking ass. I'm very thankful for my family and friends and select co-workers who do care so much. Maybe even an annoying amount.... You all are what keep me stable.

So ready for things to get better and the whining to stop. Bring on October.

I think I may be dying. Literally.

Well, not literally. But I really do think that something is wrong with me physically. And it's scary. I mean, there are a couple of minor reasons I could be feeling the way I do. And I really hope one of them is the cause.

My hands have been going numb, or have had this really bad pain in each of my palms. My legs have been killing me. Seriously. I was almost to the point of limping yesterday. I've had dizzy spells. Today, it felt like someone had given me a shot in the arm. Like when I got the measles and chickenpox shot and my arm hurt all day. That's how it felt randomly. And there's really no reason for any of this. I'm 22 fucking years old. Feeling this old and this in pain is scary... It makes me sad. Broke down a little today.

I'm really hoping upon hope that it's just due to over-exhaustion, or my dependency on caffeine. Maybe I haven't been getting a good sleep cause maybe I have restless leg syndrome and it's more active now that I've been dosing myself with so much caffeine. I don't know. I just really hope that it's something like that and not something serious. Like carpal tunnel or cancer or something.

Also, I'm really tired of being so emotional. I'm just going to act like I'm alone/by myself so that when MIA, it won't bother me as much cause it won't feel like it's supposed to be that way.

Fuck this week.

"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise."-- Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)

Rabble

After having a conversation with my brother the other night, I honestly don't know how I turned out the way I did... I view the world in a completely different way than my parents and differently then anyone I know of in my family. Except for probably my brother. And the thing is, I've always looked at the same way even as a child...

My family is religious, they're Christians and what not. Always have been. We didn't go to church every Sunday but they did try and teach me about God and everything. But even as a kid, I thought that there were way to many religions in the world for only one of them to be right... That it all just kind of sounded like bullshit. Not that I didn't believe in God as a kid, I just didn't think that you could put all your faith in one single religion. There is no way that everyone else who didn't believe a certain way was going to hell. I felt this way even as a small child. I remember actually trying to express this to my parents once upon time and it's like they just didn't even want to listen. So it's not really like I've tried since.

And my dad is like a super conservative republican and I am really just sick of politics. Politics suck. They're kind of disgusting. I didn't use my right to vote for a president because I didn't really see the point unless someone was running who I felt could actually make a good difference. Plus, I just don't like getting into all of that.

In a family full of such close-minded people, how did I turn out so open-minded? And how the fuck did I end up working at a pharmacy under some very close-minded Nazis? With some very close-minded people. Not all of them, but quite a few. I just don't get why people have to hate on certain races, and religions, and lifestyles. It's just so dumb to me. You can hate and complain about it all you want but it's not going to change anything. And you can take away the right for gay marriage, but it's not going to stop them from being together. In the end, people are going to do what they really want to. So you might as well just roll with it.

I'm just really glad that somehow I managed to turn out differently.

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction."-- Albert Einstein

You May Say I'm A Dreamer, But I'm Not the Only One.

I deleted my last post because I noticed it was a little more on the negative side than the rest. And I don't need that. I am Zen. If I get any more Zen I should really just become a Buddhist. They know what's up.

Now on to where I tell you a bunch of random stuff no one cares about.

I finally watched Heartless today. Weird. Ass. Movie. I don't really know how I feel about it... One of the main reasons I was interested in it was for Jim Sturgess but I would much much rather watch him in Across the Universe. That movie was just... weird. And creepy. And weird.

My car also kinda overheated? I guess? Idk. I was at the Great Escape, the comic store not the theater, and I go to start my car and my air and radio and everything works but it wouldn't go. Battery light was on so I just assumed the alternator because it's been about to go out ever since I got the thing. But really all it was was that it got too hot. Which is good for me because it saves me money from having to buy an alternator. *knock on wood. I guess I'm lucky that's the place that it decided to crap out though because it's a pretty nice place to just shop around and waste a little time.

I've decided to make it a goal in my life to either be part of a flash mob, or to at least witness one. I seriously need this to happen and then I feel as if my life may be complete. As you can see I'm easy to please.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, life a shadow that never leaves him."-- Buddha

Partyin' Partyin' Yeah!

Last night wasn't exactly the night I imagined, but it was very fun. Didn't even spend too much money since me and Jasmaine decided to drink like men and just got beer. But you better believe I still got my rum and coke. Just didn't have to pay for it. :) I have no earthly idea where my flower hair clip went and I have a random bruise on my shoulder and am also a witness to a fight, I'd say last night was a success!

So I finally went to Club Cabana. And it kinda really sucked. Maybe they were just having an off night... Idk. But it was bad. Boring and just bad. A waste of $5. Most fun I had was dancing with Jasmaine and I actually had more fun dancing with her at Tidball's. At least I really really liked that music. And it was so packed and wonderful. The Black Shades sounded awesome. I just love the atmosphere there. But, I am ready to switch it up a bit. I think a trip to Nashville is in order.

One funny event of the night was being a witness to a fight. That was fun. Got to talk to the cops all drunk and stuff but I wasn't even nervous or scared or anything. I just told him exactly what I saw. I'm even the reason they got the guy who started it. He almost got away! It's times like these when I think I should have a reality show...

I really need to get my butt to the theater and watch some movies. Bridesmaids, Hangover 2, still haven't saw Thor... What the hell is wrong with me? But on the bright side, True Blood season 3 comes out Tuesday. So I can buy that and watch it like 3 times.

But anyway, I'm still happy, things are still going great, Karmic synergy is still rocking it. I just feel at peace with everything. Chill. And I smell biscuits, gravy, and bacon! So I'm gonna just stop here.

"For the first time in longer than I can remember, I feel peaceful. Not happy. Not sad. Not anxious. Not horny. Just all the higher parts of my brain closing up shop. The cerebral cortex. The cerebellum. That's where my problem is. I'm now simplifying myself. Somewhere balanced in the perfect middle between happiness and sadness. Because sponges never have a bad day."-- Choke (Chuck Palahniuk)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life

And I am in the prime of my life. 21 years young. Living it up while it's still appropriate.

I just want to say, that I believe this whole karmic synergy thing is going to work for me. Maybe it's because I'm just doing me and not worrying about anything but so far it's all good. I'm happy. I have everything I need. Great friends, great family, great job. No matter how much I bitch about my job everyone knows I really love it. And I don't really need anything else.

I'm going to start being a better person. Not that I ever was a bad one, but I think I could definitely start being a little more selfless and a little less selfish. Start being the change that I want to see in the world kind of thing. Then when I bitch about how much people suck, I will have every right to without being a hypocrite. :)

I really wish that Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower was a real person. I'm kind of upset and scared about the fact that they're making a movie for that book... If it sucks, and they ruin it, I may have to kill someone. Seriously. I think my safest bet would probably just to stay as far away from it as possible and not let my curiosity get the best of me. Mmhmm. I think that's definitely the best way to go.

But yeah... This post is kind of lacking... Just felt like writing really. Miiight add more later.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." -- Gandhi

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

I'm not being emo, I'm reflecting.

I don't know what got into me. Honestly I have no idea. But I hate it and I'm really glad it's gone. Maybe I just wasn't used to this whole single thing? I have no idea. I would like to chalk it up to temporary insanity but honestly, it doesn't matter at this point. Made my bed, gotta lie in it. Which sucks cause it kinda feels like a strangers bed...

I guess right now I'm just thankful to be back to normal for the most part. I'm going to miss talking to you and texting you and stuff, but it's my fault for being an idiot so I'll have to live with it. I'm just going to start leaving everything up to Karmic Synergy. No worries, no problems, whatever happens happens. Hopefully this will work to my favor and maybe you'll come around. Or maybe someone else will. Someone who will actually wanna take ya on a date, treat ya right. Haha. Main thing is just not worrying about it.

I have been having the most fun going out with my friends lately though. It definitely helps with this Karmic Synergy thing. I feel like I need a change of scenery though... Like maybe I should go to Nashville and stay for a weekend or something soon. Meet more new people, make more new friends. I almost do wanna do that whole roller derby thing. I think it's mainly cause I love the movie Whip It! so much... Truth is, I'd probably get pretty hurt. Possibly murdered. Then again... I'm so little, I win the bigger girls over with my charm and they'd protect the fuck out of me... Hmmm..... Who knows?

After all, I'm Melissa. And I get things done. I just say I'm going to do it and it happens. I should've been elected President instead of Obama.

You really would've had to have been there to fully understand why that was said. I didn't say it btw, not thaaat cocky. ;)

But yeah, so this is my life and I'm happy to say I'm back. Please believe that things are good with me, and even if they're not... They will be soon enough. I have two quotes I'm using for this blog. Just couldn't choose.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. and I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."-- Perks of Being a Wallflower.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."-- Perks ♥

New Slang

Ok, so just to warn you, this blog post is going to be ridiculously super random. It's going to be filled with all the random thoughts going through my head because I just really need them to go someplace else.

First random thought, my hair feels stupid soft today. I just keep wanting to touch it and run my fingers through it and I'm starting to feel a bit like a weirdo... But it really does feel awesome.

I'm in a random good mood today. I think maybe it's because I have hope? Which sucks. Because that's how you get disappointed... But I'm me and it's just what I do. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I'm going to be uncontrollably happy one day and "someone will find me and kiss my skin until I can feel it blister with the heat" (gotta love Max Bemis). It may not be right now, it may not even be that soon... But I have to believe or else what's the point in all of this?

I really am dying for the sun to come out. It's making me restless. I want to go on an adventure and I want to finally find someone who is adventurous as I am and not a party-pooper. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the zoo, I want to just walk around a beautiful park, and I want to lay under the stars and hear the grasshoppers and smell the grass and just take everything in... I want a great epic summer. I want to let loose and take chances, no regrets.

I'm a bit excited for the week even though it has the potential to not be as eventful as one could hope... the weather is making people sick. Lame. But It's Amanda's birthday and I'm very excited to go out celebrating tomorrow and hopefully this weekend for it. I need to see her face again and my friend Sam's. We always have fun and so it's what I need.

I really want to get stuff and supplies to start painting... I'm very good at imitating stuff on pumpkins so I'd really like to just paint something for me and original by me. I'm excited for that. Now all I need is good inspiration...

But, that's all for now. I may come back and add more later tonight. Who knows? Right now though, it's movie time.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein