I deserve better than this.

I'm still in just this bleh mood that I just can't get out of. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate not knowing what other people want. I hate not knowing what is in reach and what's not. I hate not knowing where to go from here. I hate the fact that I can't get my hopes up because I'm sooo afraid of getting let down. I hate that I'm afraid of letting other people down. I hate the fact that I like someone but I can't even admit it because I'm afraid that they might not genuinely like me back. I hate this feeling of impending doom I have. I can be sooo happy sometimes and I hate that that feeling doesn't last. I feel empty and bitter. People just suck in general. Are there any good people left? Seriously? Cause I don't know anymore.

I'm ready to move out of this house. I want to be with friends all the time. But I don't know when or if this is ever gonna happen. So for now I'll just turn my music up loud and thrash about my room. It really helps me feel better and puts me in a good mood or a least a little bit. That and being around my friends. The main problem I have is the not getting my hopes up part. I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't expect anything and that I'm not getting them up... but that's a lie. I really wish is what that possible. Cause I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm such a fucking masochist and I hate it. I set myself up for disappointment and disaster left and right. Sadly I don't see it changing anytime soon. I'm sorry this is really depressing. Just had to get it all out.

"I really wish I could wake up a 75 year old man so my bitterness could be justified."- MattLong