The Pros of Breathing

So I am very officially single right now. It's weird after being such a serial monogamist but it's good.... It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I spent so many months being dragged down by someone else's depression that being happy again is exciting. Not having to feel guilty about being happy is very exciting... It sucked seeing our relationship end the way it did but I couldn't keep trying to stop the inevitable anymore. You have to be able to be happy by yourself and love yourself before you can really be happy and in love with anyone else. I believe that relationships shouldn't be that hard. Happiness should just come by being with that someone. The arguments were completely irrational and dumb and made up by your crazy depressive head that I can't even begin to understand it. And I couldn't try anymore. It sucked and it just hurt me too much.

So now I'm free... And I'm turning over a new leaf. And letting whatever happens happen. No stress. No worries. Just living and breathing. And right now that's just fine with me. Right now the possibilities seem endless.

So quiet; Another wasted night; The television steals the conversation.

Ok, so I haven't wrote on here in a while mainly because I feel like I don't have the freedom I used to have with it and I can't say all the things I need/want to. But whatever... I miss it. I'll have to open up a journal to get my real feelings out. I'm going to start off this post with a little bit of a ramble, and then a rant. If you want to go ahead and skip the ramble, I understand. I'm sure the rant will be far more interesting.

So I still feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel restless... I feel like a wild stallion that someone is trying to tame and just isn't ready to be. Idk. Maybe I just haven't found the right tamer... Is that the right term? I don't even care. Point is I'm questioning all my decisions. I'm playing how things would've went if I made different decisions. I wish I could just not think sometimes. But my brain is constantly going sadly. I feel like things are stuck. And if I was totally content with how things were right now, that'd be fine. But... I don't know that I am. But I'm really trying to be. Really trying cause that seems like the easiest laziest, least painful solution for everyone.

I'm so restless I'm even getting a temper and just enjoy arguing with whoever. So I find reasons to rant and things to defend like fucking Justin Bieber of all things and Bonnaroo. I really couldn't give that big of a shit but it's a way to get some sort of frustration out.

Annnywaaaay. On to the rant. Todays topic; Work.

Some people who come to my place of employment are so friggin stupid. Oh My God. Let me just show you an example.

Customer: "I called in a prescription earlier for 'their name'."

Me: "Okay, let me check!"

*checks, there isn't anything filled and I can't see anything due because they don't take their meds like they should.*

Me: "Doesn't look like we have anything filled for you, do you know what the medicine was you need?"

Customer: "No, but I called it in."

My thoughts: "You don't know what the medicine is... but yet you called it in.... hmm...

Me: "Ok, well do you know what it was for?"

Customer: "No, but it's a little white pill."

My thoughts: ".... Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to help you if you don't know what kinda medicine you take or even what it's for and you just described 1/3 of the pills in this place???!"

I deal with that bullshit all the time. And sometimes it's even worse! I mean they're dumb! And then there's like a couple of people who take 20 Rx's. No joke. No lie. 20+. How the fuck do you keep up with all those? I mean you have to spend your whole day taking damn medicine. Seriously. That's ridiculous. I'd rather just die. Grrrr sometimes I just want to hit people. And that example is tame compared to the stupidity and rudeness I usually get.

Ugggh. But I'm done with all this rambling and ranting.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, that that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Sex and the City

Bored to tears.

Life... is being taken over by snow. I'm tired of it. I want summer. I want my cute tank tops, my sexy dresses, my nice heels, my bikinis and my shorts. I love my boots and my skinny jeans but I am sooo tired of them right now. All I do is stay at home. I don't have much incentive to get ready and get pretty and get dressed up. I want reasons to get dressed up! At least a little bit.

Not even any real good movies are coming out. I mean there's some I wouldn't mind seeing. But I really can't wait for all the summer blockbusters coming. Aaaah so excited! Instead I've been staying in and watching movies. It's Kind of A Funny Story was a great movie. It really surprised me. It was insightful, funny, cute, entertaining and deep. And kinda beautiful and a little weird. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was probably just what I needed at the time.

All this doing nothing is really starting to make me lazy. I really can't wait til it gets a little warmer so I can start running. Get in shape so I actually look good in all those clothes. =P I really want a tan also. I've already got the blonde hair, I'm really trying to get the rest of my looks back too. Ugh, this blog is boring, why are you still reading this? Sorry I'm just really bored and don't have much to say lately. Lacking inspiration I guess. Someone! Inspire me! Until next time, later.

The lyric for this blog has nothing to do with this blog as much as it has to do with probably every other blog and what kinda person I am; but I just loooove it and relate with it so much and looove the person who said it.

"The best lyrics are the ones that give you goosebumps or make you cry in public or help you realize the answers." -- Katy Perry(:

Playstation 3's are just like Hybrid vehicles.

Playstaion 3's are just like hybrids in the way that they're mainly for people who think they are too good/better than everyone else.

Not saying that I wouldn't own a hybrid, I mean it'd save me ton on gas. But affording one right now and paying for any gas to go in it would be impossible.

My eyes change colors. Blue, green, blue-green, blue with green in the middle, green with blue dots or like a starburst effect. I'm pretty sure they brighten with the mood and lately they've been kind of dull. Kind of more green and dull. I'd really like if they could be how they are in my facebook default all the time. But I'm not sure what I need to do to get em that way. Things just need to be simpler and easier. Idk. Whatevs.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under you skin that you didn't experience it at all. There's that falling heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should have been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel someday. This is all practice." -- Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

Curse of Curves

I have been in such a bleh mood lately. I don't know if it's work, personal stuff, or what it is. I just can't stay content and I don't really know what to do about it. I mean... I just want to be happy all the time. And I want things to be good all the time. But somehow I keep putting myself in these situations or with these people who won't allow that. Apparently they have the same problem with being happy and don't really have any intentions of changing that. Say they do, but obviously deep down they don't. At least I try. But it's hard when you keep trying but they keep bringing you down. I get to a point where I just feel hopeless and it's the same old thing all the time and I'm tired of trying and trying. So yes, I give up cause I don't want to be the only one doing so. I know this is very cryptic and I'm sorry but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make things worse/bad again.

I've been thinking about the past. There's so much stuff I would change if I could. If only I could travel time. There would be some people I'd give chances to, and some people I most definitely would not. I wonder how things would be different if I could do that. I wonder if I'd be happier or not happy at all. Why can't I do this so the wondering will stop?! Gah!

Ever hear of a person being with someone only because they know they won't hurt them? Because they know that they more than likely won't cheat on them because they're crazy about them, and even if they did do so, and they split up, that said person won't really care or be hurt that much because they weren't head over heels in love with them in the first place? How bad of a person does that make them? I've heard stories and stuff so I've been wondering about this. I mean, people always say that Summer from 500 Days of Summer is a bitch, but thinking on it, she's really not. It's not her fault. She can't help that she didn't love him like that. I think she tried to. But she told him from the get-go nothing serious. She told him and he got super serious anyway. I mean yeah she acted like they were a couple, but he led her into that and she was having fun and I still believe she really wanted to love him like that. She just couldn't. He wasn't her someone. Blaaah I don't know. This note has been extra jumpy. Sorry about that =/

Felt good though, but now I guess I'm gonna get off here.

"It's love, not Santa Clause." -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

Loss. What a bummer.

I really just feel the need to write right now. This is waaay overdue and considering I'm doing this way past my bedtime I really hope it makes some sense. New Year's resolution is going to be to write on here more. Cause I never really get around to it and I always have to unload everything and bore whoever comes to read it.

So, one new thing that has happened is that my good friend from work, Erisha, lost her husband recently. Christmas Eve in fact. I hate it for her cause I know how hard it is... I hated having to go to the funeral home to see all the grieving people and the casket... I haven't really liked it since Andrew died... But Erisha is one of the best people I know. Beautiful inside and out so I did it. I'm proud of myself. I just wish I knew what to say to her. But I didn't. Cause I know there's not really anything you can say. Nothing that can truly comfort what you've lost. And everyone that keeps just coming up to you and hugging you just makes you cry 10 times more... All I know is, that you spend a loooong time crying... Then one day you wake up, and those tears turn to smiles. You realize that you're not crying cause they're gone. And you're not smiling cause you're crazy... (at least not completely), But instead you're smiling because they were there. Because they were in you life and gave you memories worth smiling about. And because that's what they would want. I know that Rob was Erisha's husband for what longer then Andrew was my boyfriend. So I can't imagine how this must be for her. But she's also a much stronger person then I was. I just hope it won't be too long before those tears turn into smiles. Because I really can't remember seeing her without one on her face.

Anyway, it's getting late and I have work tomorrow. I'll try to get back on tomorrow and catch whoever cares back up on my life and random thoughts. It really feels good to get this stuff out even if no one is reading it. =P

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride

She's Got You High And You Don't Even Know Yet

I hate that I don't keep up with this thing. I could blame it on not having the time, but the truth is I just spent all my spare time watching True Blood and Weeds. Also I just haven't had any inspiration and things hadn't really changed that much. Until now of course. And as it is September, and that always gets me to thinking since I really just despise this month, why not start posting again? Could last a month or so this time =P

So just to update you, things are better. I'm almost afraid to say it. Almost afraid to admit that things are going good for once. Going pretty great actually. I'm really afraid that I might jinx it... Cause it's gotta be too good to be true, right? Always is. I'm definitely going to have to knock on some wood after this post cause I really don't want things to change right now.

I'm still working at Sheldon's. I still love it. It has its rough days, like the day they took away our 80's music and now force us to listen to the same 10 songs over and over and over again... but it's still good and I feel very lucky to have it and I feel that it's something I'm very good at.
I graduated from Draughon's/Daymar so that's awesome. And weird at the same time... Cause now it's like all I do is work... But it's all good. It just means I have a day for free time which is always nice.

I feel like I'm finally happy with myself and my life right now. I've got this new boyfriend and everything is just stress free and easy. I can really be myself around him. Admit all my guilty pleasures and all. And I always have the most fun with I'm with him. It's never boring. I love our deep convos and I can tell that he is basically crazy about me. He makes me feel amazing, brand new, beautiful, and just plain good about myself. It's really refreshing. And I really don't want it ever to change so this blog better not jinx it cause right now I only see it getting better. =)

That basically sums stuff up right now, I'll try to keep this thing up to date but no promises. I gotta get up bright and early for a root canal tomorrow which I apparently am too busy gushing about how great things are that I didn't even take time to rant about it.... Disappointed? You should be because I am a fabulous ranter. Haha =P

"I'm learning that even if the grass is greener on the other side, it's still pretty green over here." - I don't know who.

I deserve better than this.

I'm still in just this bleh mood that I just can't get out of. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate not knowing what other people want. I hate not knowing what is in reach and what's not. I hate not knowing where to go from here. I hate the fact that I can't get my hopes up because I'm sooo afraid of getting let down. I hate that I'm afraid of letting other people down. I hate the fact that I like someone but I can't even admit it because I'm afraid that they might not genuinely like me back. I hate this feeling of impending doom I have. I can be sooo happy sometimes and I hate that that feeling doesn't last. I feel empty and bitter. People just suck in general. Are there any good people left? Seriously? Cause I don't know anymore.

I'm ready to move out of this house. I want to be with friends all the time. But I don't know when or if this is ever gonna happen. So for now I'll just turn my music up loud and thrash about my room. It really helps me feel better and puts me in a good mood or a least a little bit. That and being around my friends. The main problem I have is the not getting my hopes up part. I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't expect anything and that I'm not getting them up... but that's a lie. I really wish is what that possible. Cause I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm such a fucking masochist and I hate it. I set myself up for disappointment and disaster left and right. Sadly I don't see it changing anytime soon. I'm sorry this is really depressing. Just had to get it all out.

"I really wish I could wake up a 75 year old man so my bitterness could be justified."- MattLong