Inspiration

You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind until there is nothing left to do but explode. There are no wrong answers. Inspiration is everything. Sit back, relax, and take it all in.

Now, go out and create something.
Love,
Jac Vanek"
I love that. It came with a couple of bracelets I ordered and I just think it's absolutely beautiful. I think I should start living my life by Jac Vanek's Rules. They are as follows:

1. Always catch the clock at 11:11

2. Write handwritten letters.

3. Love recklessly

4. Find beauty in everything

5. Make a stranger smile.

6. Notice the little things

7. Give someone a real mixtape.

8. Dance in the rain.

9. Never give up on yourself.

10. Don't be afraid to come alive.

11. The answers are everywhere.

12. You are invincible.

Seems like some pretty damn good rules to me.

I would really love it if a guy would want to actually ask me out on a real date. That'd be awesome and really impressive since I haven't had one of those in forever. Even with a boyfriend. In fact, I'm making that a rule for myself. Must go on a DATE first instead of just coming over and hanging out. As much as I still love that too. I'm just getting tired of these guys who are jerks. And I'm done and over it.

Peace && Love

Barely Scraping By

Sometimes you just miss having someone ask you how your day was and actually mean it and want to know. I deal with so many dumb people who think they know everything all day that an intellectual conversation would be really really nice. It's nights like these that I really really miss my Xbox. Cause all I really want to do is play sticks and stones on COD and stab some people... Some times, you just gotta stab someone ya know? Plus I'm so much better at that than any other of the games.

But instead I'll settle for curling up on the most comfortable chair ever with my Zoebear, who is all I really need, and watch Veronica Mars til I get too paranoid to go to sleep. Shit's getting reeeaaal on the show. In-Tense. I mean yeah it can be boring, but I don't really wanna be anyone's warm body and sometimes it's really nice to just have a relaxing night like that. It doesn't happen too often. It's refreshing to know that I can do it and actually be content with it. Maybe it's because I've overdosed myself on The Perks of Being a Wallflower. But honestly, who wouldn't?

So I really wish I didn't have tickets to these shows now. People are laaame. And what's more annoying is guys acting like girls. That's pretty annoying. But it's really late so I think I should probably stop this before I start saying what's really on my mind and regretting it later...

But, you, yes you, you're a pussy. Grow a pair and man up.

Stay true to yourself. Cause there are very few people who will stay true to you.

I'm surprised and not surprised at how I got over you so fast... Not surprised because every dumb fight pushed me further and further out of love with you. You shouldn't be surprised either. You should have saw this coming. Now there's no turning back. Too much has happened. And for once, even though I'm pretty sure I may have jinxed it.... I'm happy.

I'm scared. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of this. I'm scared someone's gonna get hurt and it could be me. When things start up so fast and soon... they could have a tendency to end just as fast and just as soon... I'm curious about you. I want to know more. I really just want to know what you're thinking more than anything... Hell, I wanna know what I'm thinking.

Anyway, enough mindless rambling... Point is, I'm okay. And even if/when I'm not, I know that I will be soon enough. There's more out there then I give the world credit for. And if I do end up dying old and lonely, I'll be very pissed at the world but I guess that's just how it was meant to be. I have faith that there is someone out there that I can have a wonderful, great, stress free relationship with. Someone who shares my same interests and my same loves. We don't have to agree on everything, arguing about silly stuff can be fun. Just as long as it's light and carefree I won't mind. And as long as there is trust. Loyalty is something very important to me. If I know you haven't been loyal or faithful before than I wouldn't waste my time trying to have a pointless relationship with you. But I'm not even really looking for anything right now. If it happens it happens. I'm not going to force anything. And I'm not going to try and make it happen. I'm just letting things be.

Ok, now seriously done with the rambling. On to more important stuff. Like... music. And books. And movies. And tattoos.

Music, I have 4 tickets to 2 different shows and the chances of me going to either one of them or being able to sell them are looking doubtful. This makes me very sad. Especially if I don't get to go to the Silverstein and Bayside one. I don't even care I'll fucking hitchhike to it if I have to. And I have faith that I could. Not really faith that I'd make it back alive... But I'd try it.

Movies, yeah... I need to watch more of those. Time to get back to my movie loving self pronto!!!!

Books, since I'm bummed at the moment cause I don't know what's going on, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is being read again. Yay me! I should see if there's a world record for how many times you can read a book or something...

Tattoos, I really really really want another one. And I know exactly what I want. I want a quote. It's a book quote. I'm not telling you which quote or which book because if you steal my idea I'd have to kill you. ;)

Ummm sooo I don't really have much more to say right now... All I know is I need to let loose and not worry so much and just let whatever happens happen. Allow my self to fall even if there's no one there to catch me, allow myself to do dumb stuff, it's the only way I'll learn. Allow myself to party all night even if I have to work the next day, just allow myself to live... And let me tell you something, I plan on making this summer LEGEND.... waaaiiittt for itt....... hope you're not lactose intolerant cause the next part is..... DARY.

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. Full of the single greatest commodity known to man: promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile and in her soul, and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay."--Taking Back Sunday

The Pros of Breathing

So I am very officially single right now. It's weird after being such a serial monogamist but it's good.... It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I spent so many months being dragged down by someone else's depression that being happy again is exciting. Not having to feel guilty about being happy is very exciting... It sucked seeing our relationship end the way it did but I couldn't keep trying to stop the inevitable anymore. You have to be able to be happy by yourself and love yourself before you can really be happy and in love with anyone else. I believe that relationships shouldn't be that hard. Happiness should just come by being with that someone. The arguments were completely irrational and dumb and made up by your crazy depressive head that I can't even begin to understand it. And I couldn't try anymore. It sucked and it just hurt me too much.

So now I'm free... And I'm turning over a new leaf. And letting whatever happens happen. No stress. No worries. Just living and breathing. And right now that's just fine with me. Right now the possibilities seem endless.

So quiet; Another wasted night; The television steals the conversation.

Ok, so I haven't wrote on here in a while mainly because I feel like I don't have the freedom I used to have with it and I can't say all the things I need/want to. But whatever... I miss it. I'll have to open up a journal to get my real feelings out. I'm going to start off this post with a little bit of a ramble, and then a rant. If you want to go ahead and skip the ramble, I understand. I'm sure the rant will be far more interesting.

So I still feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel restless... I feel like a wild stallion that someone is trying to tame and just isn't ready to be. Idk. Maybe I just haven't found the right tamer... Is that the right term? I don't even care. Point is I'm questioning all my decisions. I'm playing how things would've went if I made different decisions. I wish I could just not think sometimes. But my brain is constantly going sadly. I feel like things are stuck. And if I was totally content with how things were right now, that'd be fine. But... I don't know that I am. But I'm really trying to be. Really trying cause that seems like the easiest laziest, least painful solution for everyone.

I'm so restless I'm even getting a temper and just enjoy arguing with whoever. So I find reasons to rant and things to defend like fucking Justin Bieber of all things and Bonnaroo. I really couldn't give that big of a shit but it's a way to get some sort of frustration out.

Annnywaaaay. On to the rant. Todays topic; Work.

Some people who come to my place of employment are so friggin stupid. Oh My God. Let me just show you an example.

Customer: "I called in a prescription earlier for 'their name'."

Me: "Okay, let me check!"

*checks, there isn't anything filled and I can't see anything due because they don't take their meds like they should.*

Me: "Doesn't look like we have anything filled for you, do you know what the medicine was you need?"

Customer: "No, but I called it in."

My thoughts: "You don't know what the medicine is... but yet you called it in.... hmm...

Me: "Ok, well do you know what it was for?"

Customer: "No, but it's a little white pill."

My thoughts: ".... Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to help you if you don't know what kinda medicine you take or even what it's for and you just described 1/3 of the pills in this place???!"

I deal with that bullshit all the time. And sometimes it's even worse! I mean they're dumb! And then there's like a couple of people who take 20 Rx's. No joke. No lie. 20+. How the fuck do you keep up with all those? I mean you have to spend your whole day taking damn medicine. Seriously. That's ridiculous. I'd rather just die. Grrrr sometimes I just want to hit people. And that example is tame compared to the stupidity and rudeness I usually get.

Ugggh. But I'm done with all this rambling and ranting.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, that that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Sex and the City

Bored to tears.

Life... is being taken over by snow. I'm tired of it. I want summer. I want my cute tank tops, my sexy dresses, my nice heels, my bikinis and my shorts. I love my boots and my skinny jeans but I am sooo tired of them right now. All I do is stay at home. I don't have much incentive to get ready and get pretty and get dressed up. I want reasons to get dressed up! At least a little bit.

Not even any real good movies are coming out. I mean there's some I wouldn't mind seeing. But I really can't wait for all the summer blockbusters coming. Aaaah so excited! Instead I've been staying in and watching movies. It's Kind of A Funny Story was a great movie. It really surprised me. It was insightful, funny, cute, entertaining and deep. And kinda beautiful and a little weird. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was probably just what I needed at the time.

All this doing nothing is really starting to make me lazy. I really can't wait til it gets a little warmer so I can start running. Get in shape so I actually look good in all those clothes. =P I really want a tan also. I've already got the blonde hair, I'm really trying to get the rest of my looks back too. Ugh, this blog is boring, why are you still reading this? Sorry I'm just really bored and don't have much to say lately. Lacking inspiration I guess. Someone! Inspire me! Until next time, later.

The lyric for this blog has nothing to do with this blog as much as it has to do with probably every other blog and what kinda person I am; but I just loooove it and relate with it so much and looove the person who said it.

"The best lyrics are the ones that give you goosebumps or make you cry in public or help you realize the answers." -- Katy Perry(:

Playstation 3's are just like Hybrid vehicles.

Playstaion 3's are just like hybrids in the way that they're mainly for people who think they are too good/better than everyone else.

Not saying that I wouldn't own a hybrid, I mean it'd save me ton on gas. But affording one right now and paying for any gas to go in it would be impossible.

My eyes change colors. Blue, green, blue-green, blue with green in the middle, green with blue dots or like a starburst effect. I'm pretty sure they brighten with the mood and lately they've been kind of dull. Kind of more green and dull. I'd really like if they could be how they are in my facebook default all the time. But I'm not sure what I need to do to get em that way. Things just need to be simpler and easier. Idk. Whatevs.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under you skin that you didn't experience it at all. There's that falling heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should have been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel someday. This is all practice." -- Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

Curse of Curves

I have been in such a bleh mood lately. I don't know if it's work, personal stuff, or what it is. I just can't stay content and I don't really know what to do about it. I mean... I just want to be happy all the time. And I want things to be good all the time. But somehow I keep putting myself in these situations or with these people who won't allow that. Apparently they have the same problem with being happy and don't really have any intentions of changing that. Say they do, but obviously deep down they don't. At least I try. But it's hard when you keep trying but they keep bringing you down. I get to a point where I just feel hopeless and it's the same old thing all the time and I'm tired of trying and trying. So yes, I give up cause I don't want to be the only one doing so. I know this is very cryptic and I'm sorry but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make things worse/bad again.

I've been thinking about the past. There's so much stuff I would change if I could. If only I could travel time. There would be some people I'd give chances to, and some people I most definitely would not. I wonder how things would be different if I could do that. I wonder if I'd be happier or not happy at all. Why can't I do this so the wondering will stop?! Gah!

Ever hear of a person being with someone only because they know they won't hurt them? Because they know that they more than likely won't cheat on them because they're crazy about them, and even if they did do so, and they split up, that said person won't really care or be hurt that much because they weren't head over heels in love with them in the first place? How bad of a person does that make them? I've heard stories and stuff so I've been wondering about this. I mean, people always say that Summer from 500 Days of Summer is a bitch, but thinking on it, she's really not. It's not her fault. She can't help that she didn't love him like that. I think she tried to. But she told him from the get-go nothing serious. She told him and he got super serious anyway. I mean yeah she acted like they were a couple, but he led her into that and she was having fun and I still believe she really wanted to love him like that. She just couldn't. He wasn't her someone. Blaaah I don't know. This note has been extra jumpy. Sorry about that =/

Felt good though, but now I guess I'm gonna get off here.

"It's love, not Santa Clause." -Tom (500 Days of Summer)