I deserve better than this.

I'm still in just this bleh mood that I just can't get out of. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate not knowing what other people want. I hate not knowing what is in reach and what's not. I hate not knowing where to go from here. I hate the fact that I can't get my hopes up because I'm sooo afraid of getting let down. I hate that I'm afraid of letting other people down. I hate the fact that I like someone but I can't even admit it because I'm afraid that they might not genuinely like me back. I hate this feeling of impending doom I have. I can be sooo happy sometimes and I hate that that feeling doesn't last. I feel empty and bitter. People just suck in general. Are there any good people left? Seriously? Cause I don't know anymore.

I'm ready to move out of this house. I want to be with friends all the time. But I don't know when or if this is ever gonna happen. So for now I'll just turn my music up loud and thrash about my room. It really helps me feel better and puts me in a good mood or a least a little bit. That and being around my friends. The main problem I have is the not getting my hopes up part. I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't expect anything and that I'm not getting them up... but that's a lie. I really wish is what that possible. Cause I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm such a fucking masochist and I hate it. I set myself up for disappointment and disaster left and right. Sadly I don't see it changing anytime soon. I'm sorry this is really depressing. Just had to get it all out.

"I really wish I could wake up a 75 year old man so my bitterness could be justified."- MattLong

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

So I haven't wrote on here in a while cause I just haven't really had anything worth writing about. Still don't really... But I figured I can just update ya on my life.

I started working at Sheldon's recently and I really like it! It was scary at first because everyone there is so close and it's like a very large family, so me being new it was just kind of intimidating. But they welcomed me with open arms. There are some really great people working there and I'm already seeing who the regulars are and learning a lot and caring for quite a few of the customers and it's really just a blessed job.

In other news... things with me have just been confusing with me lately... It's like nothing can stay perfect or good. The minute things are happy and looking up something happens to get me down and make me sad again. I don't really show it but it's getting harder everyday... I mean I'm to the point where I just believe it's hopeless. And at work I stay busy so I don't worry about my problems and I'm happy. And when I'm with my friends it's kind of the same way. Except for when we're talking about our problems and just come to the conclusion that life sucks. Haha. All I wanna be is just really and truly happy. But I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I need to do to accomplish that... Or if that's even possible... I mean they say "good things come to those who wait." Well that's really hard when you're impatient. The only thing getting me by right now is my friends, my music, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And they seem to be helping less each day. It doesn't help things that I haven't had a car for like a month. I can't wait or that to get fixed.

I just really need a change. Maybe meet new people, get out of my comfort zone... and I definitely need to get my car fixed to help in doing this. Maybe that will help cause I'm running out of possibilities.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Well if you wanted honesty, That's all you had to say

Life is crazy. It's unpredictable and uncontrollable. People are the same way. It's weird how fast things and people can change. I hate making decisions. I never know if I made the right one. All I want is a time machine or something to go into the future and see which scenario works out best. That would help me sooo much. I try to always follow my heart because I know that's what you're supposed to do but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between your heart and your head. You just have to have faith that even if you do make the wrong decision, things will still work out and everything will be for the best. I really do miss being a kid. Things were so simple. So black and white. And now there are just a bunch of shades of gray. And I hate people. I really do. You never know who you can trust, who's feeding you bullshit or not, you never know. And that really sucks. There are very few good people in this world. All I want to be is happy. And I'm just trying to find the best way to accomplish that and to be the best person I can. I've read the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower 2 times, going on the 3rd in one month. It's wonderful, real and it helps.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

FORMSPRINGA!

Formspring reminds of RUMSPRINGA every time I see it. If you've saw Sex Drive you probably know what I'm talking about. If not, you need to. =)

Young, Dumb, and Stung.

I've felt really weird lately. Confused... sad... angry... hopeless... and at some moments happy. But I have no idea where those other emotions really came from. Whether it's from being cooped up in this house, possibility of relationships ending, snapping out of my fantasy world and into a harsh reality.... I just don't know. I've also been thinking of random people lately. People I haven't talked to in a long time. Such as Cindy and Dwight McCombs. They were my other parents. And I miss them sooo much. I called Cindy the other day to check up on them and Dwight told her to tell me that he missed his daughter. I almost burst out in tears. I would seriously let them adopt me. They're the only thing I miss about those 2 years.

Another person I thought about was my ex sister-in-law Leslie. One reason is because her birthday is in just a few days. Leslie was just sooo nice and sweet and wonderful. When I thought about her and I just wondered if she was happy. I visited her myspace page hoping that maybe it would express how happy she was and that maybe she'd found this great guy and they were madly in love... But she was still listed as single. I really hope that shes happy being single. And I hope that she gets everything she wants out of life and is really very happy because she deserves it. Not saying that I don't love Melissa, I think the world of her. I really do. But I do miss Leslie.

I've become this almost pessimistic person. I always was a little bit... But now it's just like emo or something. I've quit getting my hopes up so that I never have to worry about getting let down. It's ridiculous, but works. I'm truly happy when I'm around my friends and boyfriend and all. It's just when I have time to think that I get down. I think way to often and I hate myself for it. I just can't wait to get out this rut and be happy. And that's what I've decided I'm going to do after getting my feelings out through posting this. I'm gonna take advice from this true quote from Garden State, because sometimes a good cry really does feel like the best thing ever...

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good." - Sam (Garden State)

The Most Beautiful Plague

Well I've decided to release my thoughts to the public. This blog started out just as a way for me to get out my feelings. There were only a select couple of people who actually knew about it. I've had it for over a year and deleted some of or most of my earlier posts because I was really a whiny bitch. Now I don't care who sees my posts because I really just don't care about anything anymore. I don't care about hurting some people's feelings if they deserve it and I don't care for people to read about my life. Maybe it'll help them get through theirs in some way. And maybe if you comment my posts you can help me in some way. I give really good advice so if you need anything just let me know. You can be anonymous if you want. Since this is technically my first post for everyone to see, I think I'll start it off with an About Me survey.

Name: Melissa Gail Vanhoose
Birthday: August 24th, 1989
Age: 20
Nicknames: Hoose, Mel, Melhoo
Zodiac sign: Virgo
Sex: Female

Stuff
Do you have any tattoos? If so, what of?: Not yet. I plan on getting one SOON.

What’s the last thing you bought?: Gas.

Do you have a job? If so, where?: Get in the zone! Autozone!

What was your most embarrassing moment?: Oh gosh. I have embarrasing moments everyday all day. It's pretty ridiculous. lol

Last 4 digits of the last phone you dialed: 3138

What is in your pockets right now?: I don't have pockets.

What was the happiest moment in your life?: Um. Anytime I get to spend with Jacob or my my friends I consider to be the happiest.

Have you ever egged a house?: No. But I've thought about it.

Who is your role model?: Max Bemis

What’s your favorite holiday?: Christmas

When is the last time you stayed up all night?: Um. I don't remember for sure. lol

What is your favorite book?: I have lots of favorites. The Harry Potter series, Twilight series, Watchmen graphic novel, Perks of Being A Wallflower, V for Vendetta graphic novel...

Who is your favorite author?: J.K. Rowling and Alan Moore (V for Vendetta and Watchmen)

Where did you have your last birthday party?: Just kinda hung at my house I think.

Who came?: I didn't really have a party.

Who has changed your life the most for the better?: Myself.

What’s your favorite song?: Do you any idea what you just asked me?

What’s your favorite cd?: I make a new mixed tape every couple of weeks depending on my mood. So whatever is in the car today. I believe it has lots of Say Anything, Some ADTR, some Brand New.

What are your favorite pizza toppings?: Taco :)

Where do you order pizza from the most?: Godfather's or Pizza Hut

Have you ever been in the hospital for more than a day?: No.

How many days is your record for time spent in a hospital?: 1?

Why did you have to go to the hospital?: For myself? When I was born.

How long has it been since you went to the mall?: Tooo long.

What’s the last movie you saw in a theater?: Avatar <3

What’s the last movie you rented?: Um. Carriers maybe? It depressed the shit out of me.

Do you like to write poetry?: I suck at it.

Do you like to read poetry?: yes

Have you ever written a song?: No, I wish I could.

After you read it to yourself did it sound stupid?: ^

What’s your favorite band?: ADTR, Say Anything and Taking Back Sunday. And for all you little kids who weren't aware, ADTR has been around for YEARS. Not months.

Who is your favorite solo singer?: Matt Nathanson and John Mayer

If you suffocate a smurf, what color does he turn?: Purple and then he explodes turns into that stuff in the middle of gushers. Why don't you know this?

Do you believe in ghosts?: Eh. Idk.

Have you ever seen a ghost?: No.

What is your favorite ride at the fair?: That big orange thingy at Beech Bend, mind went blank and I can't think of the name of it.

Have you ever thrown a party in which complete strangers have attended?: no.

Was there a guy named True there?: Um... No?

Would you ever name your kid True?: Idk... lol

Would you make fun of some1 if you knew their name was True?: Probably.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?: Dad.

Are you an only child?: I have an older Half Brother.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?: ^

Their names: Jeff Davis

Their ages: 33

What color is your computer?: Red

What is your favorite color of ink to write in?: Hotpink or red

Would you rather write in pen or pencil?: pen.

How tall are you? 5ft nothin.

What’s your name again?: Dr. Love

What’s your biggest fear?: Being tortured to death, being alone.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes I do actually.

Have you ever been in a car accident?: Yes. :(

Who was driving?: 1) My dad, 2&3) Myself.

Did anybody not survive?: My car :(

What is your lucky number?: 7&9

Do you still believe in the tooth fairy?: Yeah, She's my mom. Jealous?

Does the tooth fairy still give you money?: No. I've lost all my baby teeth.

If so, did someone knock out your teeth?: People know better. =P

Who is your favorite family member?: I don't think I should answer this...

What is your favorite breed of dog?: Zoebear.

What is your favorite name for a dog?: Zoebear.

What is your favorite name for a cat?: I had a cat named Stone Cold Steve Austin once! =D

Have you ever been drunk?: No sir. Just tipsyyy.

Have you ever gotten high?: Yes. On LIFE!

Have you ever been on the radio?: Yeah. That's how I won the 4th Harry Potter book! lol

Have you ever been on TV?: When I was little sitting in Santa's lap.

Have you ever been in a movie?: A bunch of us got together and made a scary movie at DJ's once. I was the dumb blonde so of course I died. lmao

Who is your favorite actress?: Zooey Deschanel, Kate Hudson, Anna Paquin

Who is your favorite actor?: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp

Do you have a cellphone?: Yes.

Do you have a pager?: No. I think only Alan from the Hangover still has one.

Why are all the fun things illegal?: Not ALL of 'em are. But because doing something you know you shouldn't be gives you a rush.

What’s your favorite quote?:
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - Mac MacGuff (Juno)

“Try to overcome your doubt. Believe you are beautiful. Look at yourself through someone else’s green eyes. Believe someone out there will find you and kiss your skin until you can feel it blister with the heat. Believe in something bigger than your problems and you will be saved” - Max Bemis

"Death cannot stop true love, All it can do is delay it for awhile."
"Life is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to damage yours."
- The Princess Bride

What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?: cake batter, Chocolate chip cookie dough

Do you have any nicknames that you liked that your friends no longer use? No pretty much everyone calls me hoose.

Who is your hero?: Batman. Duh.

What is your favorite day of the week?: Fridays.

What is your least favorite day of the week?: Tuesdays.

Do you like rain?: Sometimes.

Do you think lightning is awesome?: It's pretty.

What is your favorite word?: discombobulated. and Snarky.

If you could visit any country, where would you go?: Everywhere! Mainly England or Italy. Or Austrailia.

How long would you want to stay?: Depends on how much I like it once I get there.

Who would you want to take with you?: My best friends and boyfriend.

How old do you act?: Pretty much my age I think.

How old is your best friend?: 20

How old does your best friend act?: 30. I mean she's taking care of her fiance's 2 kids all the time.

When you were young what did you want to be when you grew up?: A teacher or famous.

What do you want to be now?: Just happy.

Do you think you were an adorable little kid?: Yes.

What were the names of your imaginary friends?: I don't believe I had any. lol

Do you have any pennies sitting on your computer desk?: No sir.

What is the most unique thing about your bedroom?: Um. It's hotpink and black walls. And my big ass marvel painting picture thing. And then my smaller Edward Scissorhands, Fight Club and Spiderman pictures.

Do you have a black light?: No.

Do you have a strobe light?: Somewhere.

Do you have glow-in-the-dark stars?: Haha yeah.

Do you have anything that glows in the dark?: Just those.

What color is your pillow case?: Black

What is your favorite thing to wear to bed?: Nothing.

Do you like Pepsi or Coke better?: Coke Zero

Can you tell a difference?: Yes.

What are you thinking about right now?: How long is this damn thing?

What is your favorite song to listen to when you are mad?: ADTR - 1958 or Bring Me The Horizon - Black & Blue

What is the last song you listened to?: Depeche Mode - Wrong

What is your favorite movie?: Oh gees. Princess Bride, Watchmen, 300, Avatar, 500 Days of Summer, Superbad, Sixteen Candles, Juno, Nick and Norah, and tons more.

What is your dream car?: A BMW or the Ironman Audi.

How many times have you had the chicken pox?: 0

When was the last time you brushed your teeth?: This morning

What is your middle name?: Gail.

The Good Stuff

Do you have a girl/boyfriend?: Boyfriend.

What is his/her name?: Jacob Michael Bolton., yes. really.

How long have you been together?: 5 or 6 months.

Do you love him/her?: Yes.

Are you in love with him/her?: Yes.

How long was your longest crush?: I had a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio all through childhood. lol

Other Stuff

What is your favorite emotion?: Happy!

What is your favorite TV show?: True Blood

What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say?: I live in EC so there's really no telling.

How many cds do you own?: No clue.

When you go to the movies do you throw stuff at people?: No.

When you go to the movies do you throw stuff at the movie screen?: No. lol

How many times have you been kicked out of the movies?: 0

Have you ever been kicked out of a grocery store?: No.

What annoys you the most?: People in general.

Who annoys you the most?: ^

Do you know any fake people? (People who act nice to you to your face but then talk about you
behind your back): Oooh yes.

What are their names?: Hmm. Chelsea, Erica, theres more people are just plain fake, and more people that talk about people who aren't me. But we'll just leave it.

Where did you meet them?: That hellhole of a school.

How long have you known them?: idk. 2-6 yrs.

Did you ever want to smack them?: Yes.

Did you ever smack them?: Sadly no.

What’s your favorite season?: Fall and Spring

What’s your favorite subject in school? Math

What’s your least favorite subject in school?: Keyboarding. BORING.

Who is your all-time favorite teacher?: Bobbie Steelman

What school do you go to?: Daymar.

What grade are you in?: I graduate after this semester.

What is your best friend’s birthday?: April 6th.

What is your favorite flavor of skittles?: strawberry or the ice cream ones.

Would you rather have friendship or love?: Love

What makes you nervous?: Different things, interviews, being rejected, people not liking me, the possibility of making someone mad.

If you knew the truth was gonna hurt you would you still wanna hear it?: Yes.

Do long distance relationships work?: I doubt it.

Would you change yourself to make someone else happy?: I shouldn't have to.

What phrase or saying do you use the most?: You don't know!

What would you do with a million dollars?: Buy a car! And a house.

If your house was burning down and you could only take one thing with you, what would you take?: My Puppy.

Were you shocked when you heard Princess Diana died?: I was too young to really pay attention or care.

Does anyone ever flirt with your crush?: yes.

Do you ever want to hurt them?: Sort of... yes.

Do they know you like that person?: I'm kinda dating them.

Are you glad this survey is over?: A bit yes. It was longer than I thought.

Alive with the Glory of Love!

So, I guess I haven't been writing much because I've been incredibly happy. I'm almost afraid to admit that cause I don't wanna jinx it. But what the hell. I am. I have this great amazing boyfriend. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing, in every way possible. He is the sweetest. He knows all the perfect things to say at the most perfect times. I have no doubts that he's in super deep love with me. I don't see this thing ending either. We never fight. So, unless he does something major to piss me off, we'll be good. :)

In other news, I dyed my hair red. No longer a blonde. I actually like it a lot. More than I thought I would... But it seems that more people don't like it then the people who do. Gentlemen prefer blondes after all. =P My dad hates it. Jacob says he likes it but won't tell me which way he likes it better. Which is very annoying. Because contrary to popular belief, I won't get mad one way or the other. Because I'm not gonna let his opinion effect my decision, I just want to know!!! GRRRR!

Also, I'm keeping this gigantic secret. One I have only shared with one person (who I was allowed to btw). But also one that I don't think I can keep for too much longer. One that is starting to reveal itself and one that I know everyone would be better off if this person just came out and told everyone about it. Ugh.

Anyway, now for a very exciting statement. You ready? I GET TO GO SEE SAY ANYTHING IN CONCERTTTTTT!!!!!!!! I'm super excited. I'm soo due for a concert. And I'm soooo glad it's this one. CHYEAH!
So now to end this post, a wonderful quote from the wonderful Max Bemis. =D

“Try to overcome your doubt. Believe you are beautiful. Look at yourself through someone else’s green eyes. Believe someone out there will find you and kiss your skin until you can feel it blister with the heat. Believe in something bigger than your problems and you will be saved.”

Rain rain go away, come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun.

So. I haven't wrote on here in a while. I'm kinda upset about this because I was determined to write on here all the time. Oh well. I've been pretty busy lately and things have been going very good. *knock on wood* Plus, I'm just lazy. But, now I'm bored to death, trying to take a nap is useless, and my wonderful boyfriend is in Florida. I miss him sooo much. Ugh.

Anyway, classes started back last week. I'm kinda happy about this actually. And I'm also kinda sad cause I know that school is really close to an end... I have Lindsey Miller in two of my classes. So me and her, plus the teacher Bobbi will make for a fun semester. My other class... I'm not so sure about it. Some of the people in there are mentally retarded. I'm sure of it.

I also got a new outlook on the whole engagement and marrying thing. Lindsey Miller's boyfriend got her a ring this weekend. I don't think they have plans for marriage really soon, but they do live together, have been together for 2-3 years and are very happy. My way of looking at getting engaged used to always be that if you weren't planning to get married for a long time (more than a year) then why bother getting engaged? But ya know, now I look at it like this: If two people love each other and know that they're going to be with each other for forever, then why not get a ring to officially take the girl off the market and further the point that things are serious? Cause maybe you and your partner just don't have enough money to get married and all yet. But getting to say that you're engaged and promised to be married is a wonderful thing. No matter how long it takes. Cause now, I look at it that if you've been together 2 years, 5 years, whatever, (and I do mean for some of that time to be outta school) and you haven't made that kind of commitment, no ring or anything, then what are you waiting for? Just like this quote I heard on One Tree Hill one time, "If we're not out there looking for the one we want to be with forever, then what are we doing?"