Playstation 3's are just like Hybrid vehicles.

Playstaion 3's are just like hybrids in the way that they're mainly for people who think they are too good/better than everyone else.

Not saying that I wouldn't own a hybrid, I mean it'd save me ton on gas. But affording one right now and paying for any gas to go in it would be impossible.

My eyes change colors. Blue, green, blue-green, blue with green in the middle, green with blue dots or like a starburst effect. I'm pretty sure they brighten with the mood and lately they've been kind of dull. Kind of more green and dull. I'd really like if they could be how they are in my facebook default all the time. But I'm not sure what I need to do to get em that way. Things just need to be simpler and easier. Idk. Whatevs.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under you skin that you didn't experience it at all. There's that falling heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should have been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel someday. This is all practice." -- Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

Curse of Curves

I have been in such a bleh mood lately. I don't know if it's work, personal stuff, or what it is. I just can't stay content and I don't really know what to do about it. I mean... I just want to be happy all the time. And I want things to be good all the time. But somehow I keep putting myself in these situations or with these people who won't allow that. Apparently they have the same problem with being happy and don't really have any intentions of changing that. Say they do, but obviously deep down they don't. At least I try. But it's hard when you keep trying but they keep bringing you down. I get to a point where I just feel hopeless and it's the same old thing all the time and I'm tired of trying and trying. So yes, I give up cause I don't want to be the only one doing so. I know this is very cryptic and I'm sorry but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make things worse/bad again.

I've been thinking about the past. There's so much stuff I would change if I could. If only I could travel time. There would be some people I'd give chances to, and some people I most definitely would not. I wonder how things would be different if I could do that. I wonder if I'd be happier or not happy at all. Why can't I do this so the wondering will stop?! Gah!

Ever hear of a person being with someone only because they know they won't hurt them? Because they know that they more than likely won't cheat on them because they're crazy about them, and even if they did do so, and they split up, that said person won't really care or be hurt that much because they weren't head over heels in love with them in the first place? How bad of a person does that make them? I've heard stories and stuff so I've been wondering about this. I mean, people always say that Summer from 500 Days of Summer is a bitch, but thinking on it, she's really not. It's not her fault. She can't help that she didn't love him like that. I think she tried to. But she told him from the get-go nothing serious. She told him and he got super serious anyway. I mean yeah she acted like they were a couple, but he led her into that and she was having fun and I still believe she really wanted to love him like that. She just couldn't. He wasn't her someone. Blaaah I don't know. This note has been extra jumpy. Sorry about that =/

Felt good though, but now I guess I'm gonna get off here.

"It's love, not Santa Clause." -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

Loss. What a bummer.

I really just feel the need to write right now. This is waaay overdue and considering I'm doing this way past my bedtime I really hope it makes some sense. New Year's resolution is going to be to write on here more. Cause I never really get around to it and I always have to unload everything and bore whoever comes to read it.

So, one new thing that has happened is that my good friend from work, Erisha, lost her husband recently. Christmas Eve in fact. I hate it for her cause I know how hard it is... I hated having to go to the funeral home to see all the grieving people and the casket... I haven't really liked it since Andrew died... But Erisha is one of the best people I know. Beautiful inside and out so I did it. I'm proud of myself. I just wish I knew what to say to her. But I didn't. Cause I know there's not really anything you can say. Nothing that can truly comfort what you've lost. And everyone that keeps just coming up to you and hugging you just makes you cry 10 times more... All I know is, that you spend a loooong time crying... Then one day you wake up, and those tears turn to smiles. You realize that you're not crying cause they're gone. And you're not smiling cause you're crazy... (at least not completely), But instead you're smiling because they were there. Because they were in you life and gave you memories worth smiling about. And because that's what they would want. I know that Rob was Erisha's husband for what longer then Andrew was my boyfriend. So I can't imagine how this must be for her. But she's also a much stronger person then I was. I just hope it won't be too long before those tears turn into smiles. Because I really can't remember seeing her without one on her face.

Anyway, it's getting late and I have work tomorrow. I'll try to get back on tomorrow and catch whoever cares back up on my life and random thoughts. It really feels good to get this stuff out even if no one is reading it. =P

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride

She's Got You High And You Don't Even Know Yet

I hate that I don't keep up with this thing. I could blame it on not having the time, but the truth is I just spent all my spare time watching True Blood and Weeds. Also I just haven't had any inspiration and things hadn't really changed that much. Until now of course. And as it is September, and that always gets me to thinking since I really just despise this month, why not start posting again? Could last a month or so this time =P

So just to update you, things are better. I'm almost afraid to say it. Almost afraid to admit that things are going good for once. Going pretty great actually. I'm really afraid that I might jinx it... Cause it's gotta be too good to be true, right? Always is. I'm definitely going to have to knock on some wood after this post cause I really don't want things to change right now.

I'm still working at Sheldon's. I still love it. It has its rough days, like the day they took away our 80's music and now force us to listen to the same 10 songs over and over and over again... but it's still good and I feel very lucky to have it and I feel that it's something I'm very good at.
I graduated from Draughon's/Daymar so that's awesome. And weird at the same time... Cause now it's like all I do is work... But it's all good. It just means I have a day for free time which is always nice.

I feel like I'm finally happy with myself and my life right now. I've got this new boyfriend and everything is just stress free and easy. I can really be myself around him. Admit all my guilty pleasures and all. And I always have the most fun with I'm with him. It's never boring. I love our deep convos and I can tell that he is basically crazy about me. He makes me feel amazing, brand new, beautiful, and just plain good about myself. It's really refreshing. And I really don't want it ever to change so this blog better not jinx it cause right now I only see it getting better. =)

That basically sums stuff up right now, I'll try to keep this thing up to date but no promises. I gotta get up bright and early for a root canal tomorrow which I apparently am too busy gushing about how great things are that I didn't even take time to rant about it.... Disappointed? You should be because I am a fabulous ranter. Haha =P

"I'm learning that even if the grass is greener on the other side, it's still pretty green over here." - I don't know who.

I deserve better than this.

I'm still in just this bleh mood that I just can't get out of. I hate not knowing what I want. I hate not knowing what other people want. I hate not knowing what is in reach and what's not. I hate not knowing where to go from here. I hate the fact that I can't get my hopes up because I'm sooo afraid of getting let down. I hate that I'm afraid of letting other people down. I hate the fact that I like someone but I can't even admit it because I'm afraid that they might not genuinely like me back. I hate this feeling of impending doom I have. I can be sooo happy sometimes and I hate that that feeling doesn't last. I feel empty and bitter. People just suck in general. Are there any good people left? Seriously? Cause I don't know anymore.

I'm ready to move out of this house. I want to be with friends all the time. But I don't know when or if this is ever gonna happen. So for now I'll just turn my music up loud and thrash about my room. It really helps me feel better and puts me in a good mood or a least a little bit. That and being around my friends. The main problem I have is the not getting my hopes up part. I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't expect anything and that I'm not getting them up... but that's a lie. I really wish is what that possible. Cause I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm such a fucking masochist and I hate it. I set myself up for disappointment and disaster left and right. Sadly I don't see it changing anytime soon. I'm sorry this is really depressing. Just had to get it all out.

"I really wish I could wake up a 75 year old man so my bitterness could be justified."- MattLong

Tell Me I'm A Wreck

So I haven't wrote on here in a while cause I just haven't really had anything worth writing about. Still don't really... But I figured I can just update ya on my life.

I started working at Sheldon's recently and I really like it! It was scary at first because everyone there is so close and it's like a very large family, so me being new it was just kind of intimidating. But they welcomed me with open arms. There are some really great people working there and I'm already seeing who the regulars are and learning a lot and caring for quite a few of the customers and it's really just a blessed job.

In other news... things with me have just been confusing with me lately... It's like nothing can stay perfect or good. The minute things are happy and looking up something happens to get me down and make me sad again. I don't really show it but it's getting harder everyday... I mean I'm to the point where I just believe it's hopeless. And at work I stay busy so I don't worry about my problems and I'm happy. And when I'm with my friends it's kind of the same way. Except for when we're talking about our problems and just come to the conclusion that life sucks. Haha. All I wanna be is just really and truly happy. But I'm not sure what needs to happen or what I need to do to accomplish that... Or if that's even possible... I mean they say "good things come to those who wait." Well that's really hard when you're impatient. The only thing getting me by right now is my friends, my music, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower. And they seem to be helping less each day. It doesn't help things that I haven't had a car for like a month. I can't wait or that to get fixed.

I just really need a change. Maybe meet new people, get out of my comfort zone... and I definitely need to get my car fixed to help in doing this. Maybe that will help cause I'm running out of possibilities.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Well if you wanted honesty, That's all you had to say

Life is crazy. It's unpredictable and uncontrollable. People are the same way. It's weird how fast things and people can change. I hate making decisions. I never know if I made the right one. All I want is a time machine or something to go into the future and see which scenario works out best. That would help me sooo much. I try to always follow my heart because I know that's what you're supposed to do but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between your heart and your head. You just have to have faith that even if you do make the wrong decision, things will still work out and everything will be for the best. I really do miss being a kid. Things were so simple. So black and white. And now there are just a bunch of shades of gray. And I hate people. I really do. You never know who you can trust, who's feeding you bullshit or not, you never know. And that really sucks. There are very few good people in this world. All I want to be is happy. And I'm just trying to find the best way to accomplish that and to be the best person I can. I've read the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower 2 times, going on the 3rd in one month. It's wonderful, real and it helps.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

FORMSPRINGA!

Formspring reminds of RUMSPRINGA every time I see it. If you've saw Sex Drive you probably know what I'm talking about. If not, you need to. =)