Wants, Needs, and Bullshit.

So, September will be over soon. Thank God. These past few weeks have been very... trying. And tiring. And sucky. And just fucking stupid. They have taken a toll on my body, and possibly even my soul. It's like a bad horror film.

Speaking of bad horror films, I had a very graphic, very disturbing, very intense, nightmare last night... I woke up quivering. It took a few minutes to gather myself and quit shaking... I don't feel like I really got any sleep at all... I must have been running in my sleep while laying down or something. And I know I had to have been tossing and turning and obviously shaking. It was not a good way to start off my day... Especially since this week has been Hell.

Then I get to work. And it's going okay. I'm tired, but I'm counting and Kara is my T.O. and it's just pleasant. And I'm kicking ass. Regardless of the fact I feel like I got ran over my a MACK truck. But then, since we're sooo busy upfront and one person sucks, I have to switch spots because they need someone good who can keep things going and can handle things pretty much by themselves. Yaaay. -.- More like FML. So then I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel like crap, and it all rolls into one storm of shit. And all the customers apparently took stupid pills today just to top it all off! I was really about to just have a breakdown. I came home, and all I wanted to do was just cry. I wanted to just be cuddled until I felt better but since I knew that wasn't happening, it was all I could do to keep from just bursting out in tears any minute. I felt crazy.

I'm just ready for work to get better. And to feel better. And since we've hired a few more people I really hope this will happen soon. It should.

I also shouldn't take for granted all the people who really do care for me and are there for me even if I'm being bitchy and maybe even annoying. Or funny as some people find it. =P It's good to have people who genuinely care about me and not just themselves. At the end of the day I can always count on my mom to actually be there for me. She's the one who cuddled me while watching Transformers 3. She can always tell the difference between me just being dramatic and things actually just genuinely sucking ass. I'm very thankful for my family and friends and select co-workers who do care so much. Maybe even an annoying amount.... You all are what keep me stable.

So ready for things to get better and the whining to stop. Bring on October.

I think I may be dying. Literally.

Well, not literally. But I really do think that something is wrong with me physically. And it's scary. I mean, there are a couple of minor reasons I could be feeling the way I do. And I really hope one of them is the cause.

My hands have been going numb, or have had this really bad pain in each of my palms. My legs have been killing me. Seriously. I was almost to the point of limping yesterday. I've had dizzy spells. Today, it felt like someone had given me a shot in the arm. Like when I got the measles and chickenpox shot and my arm hurt all day. That's how it felt randomly. And there's really no reason for any of this. I'm 22 fucking years old. Feeling this old and this in pain is scary... It makes me sad. Broke down a little today.

I'm really hoping upon hope that it's just due to over-exhaustion, or my dependency on caffeine. Maybe I haven't been getting a good sleep cause maybe I have restless leg syndrome and it's more active now that I've been dosing myself with so much caffeine. I don't know. I just really hope that it's something like that and not something serious. Like carpal tunnel or cancer or something.

Also, I'm really tired of being so emotional. I'm just going to act like I'm alone/by myself so that when MIA, it won't bother me as much cause it won't feel like it's supposed to be that way.

Fuck this week.

"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise."-- Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)

Rabble

After having a conversation with my brother the other night, I honestly don't know how I turned out the way I did... I view the world in a completely different way than my parents and differently then anyone I know of in my family. Except for probably my brother. And the thing is, I've always looked at the same way even as a child...

My family is religious, they're Christians and what not. Always have been. We didn't go to church every Sunday but they did try and teach me about God and everything. But even as a kid, I thought that there were way to many religions in the world for only one of them to be right... That it all just kind of sounded like bullshit. Not that I didn't believe in God as a kid, I just didn't think that you could put all your faith in one single religion. There is no way that everyone else who didn't believe a certain way was going to hell. I felt this way even as a small child. I remember actually trying to express this to my parents once upon time and it's like they just didn't even want to listen. So it's not really like I've tried since.

And my dad is like a super conservative republican and I am really just sick of politics. Politics suck. They're kind of disgusting. I didn't use my right to vote for a president because I didn't really see the point unless someone was running who I felt could actually make a good difference. Plus, I just don't like getting into all of that.

In a family full of such close-minded people, how did I turn out so open-minded? And how the fuck did I end up working at a pharmacy under some very close-minded Nazis? With some very close-minded people. Not all of them, but quite a few. I just don't get why people have to hate on certain races, and religions, and lifestyles. It's just so dumb to me. You can hate and complain about it all you want but it's not going to change anything. And you can take away the right for gay marriage, but it's not going to stop them from being together. In the end, people are going to do what they really want to. So you might as well just roll with it.

I'm just really glad that somehow I managed to turn out differently.

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction."-- Albert Einstein

You May Say I'm A Dreamer, But I'm Not the Only One.

I deleted my last post because I noticed it was a little more on the negative side than the rest. And I don't need that. I am Zen. If I get any more Zen I should really just become a Buddhist. They know what's up.

Now on to where I tell you a bunch of random stuff no one cares about.

I finally watched Heartless today. Weird. Ass. Movie. I don't really know how I feel about it... One of the main reasons I was interested in it was for Jim Sturgess but I would much much rather watch him in Across the Universe. That movie was just... weird. And creepy. And weird.

My car also kinda overheated? I guess? Idk. I was at the Great Escape, the comic store not the theater, and I go to start my car and my air and radio and everything works but it wouldn't go. Battery light was on so I just assumed the alternator because it's been about to go out ever since I got the thing. But really all it was was that it got too hot. Which is good for me because it saves me money from having to buy an alternator. *knock on wood. I guess I'm lucky that's the place that it decided to crap out though because it's a pretty nice place to just shop around and waste a little time.

I've decided to make it a goal in my life to either be part of a flash mob, or to at least witness one. I seriously need this to happen and then I feel as if my life may be complete. As you can see I'm easy to please.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, life a shadow that never leaves him."-- Buddha

Partyin' Partyin' Yeah!

Last night wasn't exactly the night I imagined, but it was very fun. Didn't even spend too much money since me and Jasmaine decided to drink like men and just got beer. But you better believe I still got my rum and coke. Just didn't have to pay for it. :) I have no earthly idea where my flower hair clip went and I have a random bruise on my shoulder and am also a witness to a fight, I'd say last night was a success!

So I finally went to Club Cabana. And it kinda really sucked. Maybe they were just having an off night... Idk. But it was bad. Boring and just bad. A waste of $5. Most fun I had was dancing with Jasmaine and I actually had more fun dancing with her at Tidball's. At least I really really liked that music. And it was so packed and wonderful. The Black Shades sounded awesome. I just love the atmosphere there. But, I am ready to switch it up a bit. I think a trip to Nashville is in order.

One funny event of the night was being a witness to a fight. That was fun. Got to talk to the cops all drunk and stuff but I wasn't even nervous or scared or anything. I just told him exactly what I saw. I'm even the reason they got the guy who started it. He almost got away! It's times like these when I think I should have a reality show...

I really need to get my butt to the theater and watch some movies. Bridesmaids, Hangover 2, still haven't saw Thor... What the hell is wrong with me? But on the bright side, True Blood season 3 comes out Tuesday. So I can buy that and watch it like 3 times.

But anyway, I'm still happy, things are still going great, Karmic synergy is still rocking it. I just feel at peace with everything. Chill. And I smell biscuits, gravy, and bacon! So I'm gonna just stop here.

"For the first time in longer than I can remember, I feel peaceful. Not happy. Not sad. Not anxious. Not horny. Just all the higher parts of my brain closing up shop. The cerebral cortex. The cerebellum. That's where my problem is. I'm now simplifying myself. Somewhere balanced in the perfect middle between happiness and sadness. Because sponges never have a bad day."-- Choke (Chuck Palahniuk)

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life

And I am in the prime of my life. 21 years young. Living it up while it's still appropriate.

I just want to say, that I believe this whole karmic synergy thing is going to work for me. Maybe it's because I'm just doing me and not worrying about anything but so far it's all good. I'm happy. I have everything I need. Great friends, great family, great job. No matter how much I bitch about my job everyone knows I really love it. And I don't really need anything else.

I'm going to start being a better person. Not that I ever was a bad one, but I think I could definitely start being a little more selfless and a little less selfish. Start being the change that I want to see in the world kind of thing. Then when I bitch about how much people suck, I will have every right to without being a hypocrite. :)

I really wish that Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower was a real person. I'm kind of upset and scared about the fact that they're making a movie for that book... If it sucks, and they ruin it, I may have to kill someone. Seriously. I think my safest bet would probably just to stay as far away from it as possible and not let my curiosity get the best of me. Mmhmm. I think that's definitely the best way to go.

But yeah... This post is kind of lacking... Just felt like writing really. Miiight add more later.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." -- Gandhi

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

I'm not being emo, I'm reflecting.

I don't know what got into me. Honestly I have no idea. But I hate it and I'm really glad it's gone. Maybe I just wasn't used to this whole single thing? I have no idea. I would like to chalk it up to temporary insanity but honestly, it doesn't matter at this point. Made my bed, gotta lie in it. Which sucks cause it kinda feels like a strangers bed...

I guess right now I'm just thankful to be back to normal for the most part. I'm going to miss talking to you and texting you and stuff, but it's my fault for being an idiot so I'll have to live with it. I'm just going to start leaving everything up to Karmic Synergy. No worries, no problems, whatever happens happens. Hopefully this will work to my favor and maybe you'll come around. Or maybe someone else will. Someone who will actually wanna take ya on a date, treat ya right. Haha. Main thing is just not worrying about it.

I have been having the most fun going out with my friends lately though. It definitely helps with this Karmic Synergy thing. I feel like I need a change of scenery though... Like maybe I should go to Nashville and stay for a weekend or something soon. Meet more new people, make more new friends. I almost do wanna do that whole roller derby thing. I think it's mainly cause I love the movie Whip It! so much... Truth is, I'd probably get pretty hurt. Possibly murdered. Then again... I'm so little, I win the bigger girls over with my charm and they'd protect the fuck out of me... Hmmm..... Who knows?

After all, I'm Melissa. And I get things done. I just say I'm going to do it and it happens. I should've been elected President instead of Obama.

You really would've had to have been there to fully understand why that was said. I didn't say it btw, not thaaat cocky. ;)

But yeah, so this is my life and I'm happy to say I'm back. Please believe that things are good with me, and even if they're not... They will be soon enough. I have two quotes I'm using for this blog. Just couldn't choose.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. and I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."-- Perks of Being a Wallflower.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."-- Perks ♥

New Slang

Ok, so just to warn you, this blog post is going to be ridiculously super random. It's going to be filled with all the random thoughts going through my head because I just really need them to go someplace else.

First random thought, my hair feels stupid soft today. I just keep wanting to touch it and run my fingers through it and I'm starting to feel a bit like a weirdo... But it really does feel awesome.

I'm in a random good mood today. I think maybe it's because I have hope? Which sucks. Because that's how you get disappointed... But I'm me and it's just what I do. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I'm going to be uncontrollably happy one day and "someone will find me and kiss my skin until I can feel it blister with the heat" (gotta love Max Bemis). It may not be right now, it may not even be that soon... But I have to believe or else what's the point in all of this?

I really am dying for the sun to come out. It's making me restless. I want to go on an adventure and I want to finally find someone who is adventurous as I am and not a party-pooper. I want to go to the beach, I want to go to the zoo, I want to just walk around a beautiful park, and I want to lay under the stars and hear the grasshoppers and smell the grass and just take everything in... I want a great epic summer. I want to let loose and take chances, no regrets.

I'm a bit excited for the week even though it has the potential to not be as eventful as one could hope... the weather is making people sick. Lame. But It's Amanda's birthday and I'm very excited to go out celebrating tomorrow and hopefully this weekend for it. I need to see her face again and my friend Sam's. We always have fun and so it's what I need.

I really want to get stuff and supplies to start painting... I'm very good at imitating stuff on pumpkins so I'd really like to just paint something for me and original by me. I'm excited for that. Now all I need is good inspiration...

But, that's all for now. I may come back and add more later tonight. Who knows? Right now though, it's movie time.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

Inspiration

You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind until there is nothing left to do but explode. There are no wrong answers. Inspiration is everything. Sit back, relax, and take it all in.

Now, go out and create something.
Love,
Jac Vanek"
I love that. It came with a couple of bracelets I ordered and I just think it's absolutely beautiful. I think I should start living my life by Jac Vanek's Rules. They are as follows:

1. Always catch the clock at 11:11

2. Write handwritten letters.

3. Love recklessly

4. Find beauty in everything

5. Make a stranger smile.

6. Notice the little things

7. Give someone a real mixtape.

8. Dance in the rain.

9. Never give up on yourself.

10. Don't be afraid to come alive.

11. The answers are everywhere.

12. You are invincible.

Seems like some pretty damn good rules to me.

I would really love it if a guy would want to actually ask me out on a real date. That'd be awesome and really impressive since I haven't had one of those in forever. Even with a boyfriend. In fact, I'm making that a rule for myself. Must go on a DATE first instead of just coming over and hanging out. As much as I still love that too. I'm just getting tired of these guys who are jerks. And I'm done and over it.

Peace && Love

Barely Scraping By

Sometimes you just miss having someone ask you how your day was and actually mean it and want to know. I deal with so many dumb people who think they know everything all day that an intellectual conversation would be really really nice. It's nights like these that I really really miss my Xbox. Cause all I really want to do is play sticks and stones on COD and stab some people... Some times, you just gotta stab someone ya know? Plus I'm so much better at that than any other of the games.

But instead I'll settle for curling up on the most comfortable chair ever with my Zoebear, who is all I really need, and watch Veronica Mars til I get too paranoid to go to sleep. Shit's getting reeeaaal on the show. In-Tense. I mean yeah it can be boring, but I don't really wanna be anyone's warm body and sometimes it's really nice to just have a relaxing night like that. It doesn't happen too often. It's refreshing to know that I can do it and actually be content with it. Maybe it's because I've overdosed myself on The Perks of Being a Wallflower. But honestly, who wouldn't?

So I really wish I didn't have tickets to these shows now. People are laaame. And what's more annoying is guys acting like girls. That's pretty annoying. But it's really late so I think I should probably stop this before I start saying what's really on my mind and regretting it later...

But, you, yes you, you're a pussy. Grow a pair and man up.

Stay true to yourself. Cause there are very few people who will stay true to you.

I'm surprised and not surprised at how I got over you so fast... Not surprised because every dumb fight pushed me further and further out of love with you. You shouldn't be surprised either. You should have saw this coming. Now there's no turning back. Too much has happened. And for once, even though I'm pretty sure I may have jinxed it.... I'm happy.

I'm scared. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of this. I'm scared someone's gonna get hurt and it could be me. When things start up so fast and soon... they could have a tendency to end just as fast and just as soon... I'm curious about you. I want to know more. I really just want to know what you're thinking more than anything... Hell, I wanna know what I'm thinking.

Anyway, enough mindless rambling... Point is, I'm okay. And even if/when I'm not, I know that I will be soon enough. There's more out there then I give the world credit for. And if I do end up dying old and lonely, I'll be very pissed at the world but I guess that's just how it was meant to be. I have faith that there is someone out there that I can have a wonderful, great, stress free relationship with. Someone who shares my same interests and my same loves. We don't have to agree on everything, arguing about silly stuff can be fun. Just as long as it's light and carefree I won't mind. And as long as there is trust. Loyalty is something very important to me. If I know you haven't been loyal or faithful before than I wouldn't waste my time trying to have a pointless relationship with you. But I'm not even really looking for anything right now. If it happens it happens. I'm not going to force anything. And I'm not going to try and make it happen. I'm just letting things be.

Ok, now seriously done with the rambling. On to more important stuff. Like... music. And books. And movies. And tattoos.

Music, I have 4 tickets to 2 different shows and the chances of me going to either one of them or being able to sell them are looking doubtful. This makes me very sad. Especially if I don't get to go to the Silverstein and Bayside one. I don't even care I'll fucking hitchhike to it if I have to. And I have faith that I could. Not really faith that I'd make it back alive... But I'd try it.

Movies, yeah... I need to watch more of those. Time to get back to my movie loving self pronto!!!!

Books, since I'm bummed at the moment cause I don't know what's going on, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is being read again. Yay me! I should see if there's a world record for how many times you can read a book or something...

Tattoos, I really really really want another one. And I know exactly what I want. I want a quote. It's a book quote. I'm not telling you which quote or which book because if you steal my idea I'd have to kill you. ;)

Ummm sooo I don't really have much more to say right now... All I know is I need to let loose and not worry so much and just let whatever happens happen. Allow my self to fall even if there's no one there to catch me, allow myself to do dumb stuff, it's the only way I'll learn. Allow myself to party all night even if I have to work the next day, just allow myself to live... And let me tell you something, I plan on making this summer LEGEND.... waaaiiittt for itt....... hope you're not lactose intolerant cause the next part is..... DARY.

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. Full of the single greatest commodity known to man: promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile and in her soul, and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay."--Taking Back Sunday

The Pros of Breathing

So I am very officially single right now. It's weird after being such a serial monogamist but it's good.... It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I spent so many months being dragged down by someone else's depression that being happy again is exciting. Not having to feel guilty about being happy is very exciting... It sucked seeing our relationship end the way it did but I couldn't keep trying to stop the inevitable anymore. You have to be able to be happy by yourself and love yourself before you can really be happy and in love with anyone else. I believe that relationships shouldn't be that hard. Happiness should just come by being with that someone. The arguments were completely irrational and dumb and made up by your crazy depressive head that I can't even begin to understand it. And I couldn't try anymore. It sucked and it just hurt me too much.

So now I'm free... And I'm turning over a new leaf. And letting whatever happens happen. No stress. No worries. Just living and breathing. And right now that's just fine with me. Right now the possibilities seem endless.

So quiet; Another wasted night; The television steals the conversation.

Ok, so I haven't wrote on here in a while mainly because I feel like I don't have the freedom I used to have with it and I can't say all the things I need/want to. But whatever... I miss it. I'll have to open up a journal to get my real feelings out. I'm going to start off this post with a little bit of a ramble, and then a rant. If you want to go ahead and skip the ramble, I understand. I'm sure the rant will be far more interesting.

So I still feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel restless... I feel like a wild stallion that someone is trying to tame and just isn't ready to be. Idk. Maybe I just haven't found the right tamer... Is that the right term? I don't even care. Point is I'm questioning all my decisions. I'm playing how things would've went if I made different decisions. I wish I could just not think sometimes. But my brain is constantly going sadly. I feel like things are stuck. And if I was totally content with how things were right now, that'd be fine. But... I don't know that I am. But I'm really trying to be. Really trying cause that seems like the easiest laziest, least painful solution for everyone.

I'm so restless I'm even getting a temper and just enjoy arguing with whoever. So I find reasons to rant and things to defend like fucking Justin Bieber of all things and Bonnaroo. I really couldn't give that big of a shit but it's a way to get some sort of frustration out.

Annnywaaaay. On to the rant. Todays topic; Work.

Some people who come to my place of employment are so friggin stupid. Oh My God. Let me just show you an example.

Customer: "I called in a prescription earlier for 'their name'."

Me: "Okay, let me check!"

*checks, there isn't anything filled and I can't see anything due because they don't take their meds like they should.*

Me: "Doesn't look like we have anything filled for you, do you know what the medicine was you need?"

Customer: "No, but I called it in."

My thoughts: "You don't know what the medicine is... but yet you called it in.... hmm...

Me: "Ok, well do you know what it was for?"

Customer: "No, but it's a little white pill."

My thoughts: ".... Seriously? How the hell am I supposed to help you if you don't know what kinda medicine you take or even what it's for and you just described 1/3 of the pills in this place???!"

I deal with that bullshit all the time. And sometimes it's even worse! I mean they're dumb! And then there's like a couple of people who take 20 Rx's. No joke. No lie. 20+. How the fuck do you keep up with all those? I mean you have to spend your whole day taking damn medicine. Seriously. That's ridiculous. I'd rather just die. Grrrr sometimes I just want to hit people. And that example is tame compared to the stupidity and rudeness I usually get.

Ugggh. But I'm done with all this rambling and ranting.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, that that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Sex and the City

Bored to tears.

Life... is being taken over by snow. I'm tired of it. I want summer. I want my cute tank tops, my sexy dresses, my nice heels, my bikinis and my shorts. I love my boots and my skinny jeans but I am sooo tired of them right now. All I do is stay at home. I don't have much incentive to get ready and get pretty and get dressed up. I want reasons to get dressed up! At least a little bit.

Not even any real good movies are coming out. I mean there's some I wouldn't mind seeing. But I really can't wait for all the summer blockbusters coming. Aaaah so excited! Instead I've been staying in and watching movies. It's Kind of A Funny Story was a great movie. It really surprised me. It was insightful, funny, cute, entertaining and deep. And kinda beautiful and a little weird. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was probably just what I needed at the time.

All this doing nothing is really starting to make me lazy. I really can't wait til it gets a little warmer so I can start running. Get in shape so I actually look good in all those clothes. =P I really want a tan also. I've already got the blonde hair, I'm really trying to get the rest of my looks back too. Ugh, this blog is boring, why are you still reading this? Sorry I'm just really bored and don't have much to say lately. Lacking inspiration I guess. Someone! Inspire me! Until next time, later.

The lyric for this blog has nothing to do with this blog as much as it has to do with probably every other blog and what kinda person I am; but I just loooove it and relate with it so much and looove the person who said it.

"The best lyrics are the ones that give you goosebumps or make you cry in public or help you realize the answers." -- Katy Perry(:

Playstation 3's are just like Hybrid vehicles.

Playstaion 3's are just like hybrids in the way that they're mainly for people who think they are too good/better than everyone else.

Not saying that I wouldn't own a hybrid, I mean it'd save me ton on gas. But affording one right now and paying for any gas to go in it would be impossible.

My eyes change colors. Blue, green, blue-green, blue with green in the middle, green with blue dots or like a starburst effect. I'm pretty sure they brighten with the mood and lately they've been kind of dull. Kind of more green and dull. I'd really like if they could be how they are in my facebook default all the time. But I'm not sure what I need to do to get em that way. Things just need to be simpler and easier. Idk. Whatevs.

"No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under you skin that you didn't experience it at all. There's that falling heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should have been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel someday. This is all practice." -- Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

Curse of Curves

I have been in such a bleh mood lately. I don't know if it's work, personal stuff, or what it is. I just can't stay content and I don't really know what to do about it. I mean... I just want to be happy all the time. And I want things to be good all the time. But somehow I keep putting myself in these situations or with these people who won't allow that. Apparently they have the same problem with being happy and don't really have any intentions of changing that. Say they do, but obviously deep down they don't. At least I try. But it's hard when you keep trying but they keep bringing you down. I get to a point where I just feel hopeless and it's the same old thing all the time and I'm tired of trying and trying. So yes, I give up cause I don't want to be the only one doing so. I know this is very cryptic and I'm sorry but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make things worse/bad again.

I've been thinking about the past. There's so much stuff I would change if I could. If only I could travel time. There would be some people I'd give chances to, and some people I most definitely would not. I wonder how things would be different if I could do that. I wonder if I'd be happier or not happy at all. Why can't I do this so the wondering will stop?! Gah!

Ever hear of a person being with someone only because they know they won't hurt them? Because they know that they more than likely won't cheat on them because they're crazy about them, and even if they did do so, and they split up, that said person won't really care or be hurt that much because they weren't head over heels in love with them in the first place? How bad of a person does that make them? I've heard stories and stuff so I've been wondering about this. I mean, people always say that Summer from 500 Days of Summer is a bitch, but thinking on it, she's really not. It's not her fault. She can't help that she didn't love him like that. I think she tried to. But she told him from the get-go nothing serious. She told him and he got super serious anyway. I mean yeah she acted like they were a couple, but he led her into that and she was having fun and I still believe she really wanted to love him like that. She just couldn't. He wasn't her someone. Blaaah I don't know. This note has been extra jumpy. Sorry about that =/

Felt good though, but now I guess I'm gonna get off here.

"It's love, not Santa Clause." -Tom (500 Days of Summer)

Loss. What a bummer.

I really just feel the need to write right now. This is waaay overdue and considering I'm doing this way past my bedtime I really hope it makes some sense. New Year's resolution is going to be to write on here more. Cause I never really get around to it and I always have to unload everything and bore whoever comes to read it.

So, one new thing that has happened is that my good friend from work, Erisha, lost her husband recently. Christmas Eve in fact. I hate it for her cause I know how hard it is... I hated having to go to the funeral home to see all the grieving people and the casket... I haven't really liked it since Andrew died... But Erisha is one of the best people I know. Beautiful inside and out so I did it. I'm proud of myself. I just wish I knew what to say to her. But I didn't. Cause I know there's not really anything you can say. Nothing that can truly comfort what you've lost. And everyone that keeps just coming up to you and hugging you just makes you cry 10 times more... All I know is, that you spend a loooong time crying... Then one day you wake up, and those tears turn to smiles. You realize that you're not crying cause they're gone. And you're not smiling cause you're crazy... (at least not completely), But instead you're smiling because they were there. Because they were in you life and gave you memories worth smiling about. And because that's what they would want. I know that Rob was Erisha's husband for what longer then Andrew was my boyfriend. So I can't imagine how this must be for her. But she's also a much stronger person then I was. I just hope it won't be too long before those tears turn into smiles. Because I really can't remember seeing her without one on her face.

Anyway, it's getting late and I have work tomorrow. I'll try to get back on tomorrow and catch whoever cares back up on my life and random thoughts. It really feels good to get this stuff out even if no one is reading it. =P

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." - The Princess Bride